With three sports to master and more training hours than I’ve got clean pants, triathlon provides ample opportunity to break one unspoken rule or another. Whether you’re prone to turning transition into your own personal Floordrobe or you’ve had a case of the post-swim munchies and accidentally depleted the last of the peanut butter supplies (a code red situation if I ever saw one), it’s safe to say we’ve all made a faux pas or two at some point during triathlon training or racing. Time for a tri-amnesty. Hands up, who’s guilty?

The Seven Deadly Sinners of Triathlon

1) The Over-Sharer


If there’s one thing we love more than triathlon training, it’s talking about our triathlon training (hi, hello, je suis guilty). But The Over-sharer takes it to the next level. Their Strava feed looks more Paradise Lost than training log, you know everything from their FTP to the exact stench emitted by their running shoes (a bouquet of cabbage and dodgy onions) and your knowledge of their toilet/eating habits is practically encyclopaedic. Step away from Twitter, the world doesn’t need to know about your mid-run poo stop.

2) The Fast-Lane Fraudster


They stride out of the changing rooms, surveying the minefield that is a local swimming pool on a weekday morning. They notice the slow lane, predominantly empty. A small mischievous grin tugs at the corners of their mouth, like someone letting out a heinous fart on a packed train, as they head towards the fast lane knowing full well that they intend to do a good 20 minutes of drills and doggy paddle before they’re actually going to start swimming fast. Because, why pop into a slower lane for your warm up when you’ve got an ego to massage and you can get in the way of everyone else? Great fun.

3) The Billy Big Boots


They’ve been there, they’ve done it all and they’ve got the overpriced t-shirt in 5 different colours to prove it. Whatever race you’ve done, they’ve done it – but of course when they did it, it was much harder, there was a mid-summer blizzard, the world imploded and they still got a better time than you.  How to spot one coming? You’ll hear a chorus of “you’ve not really done an Ironman, until you’ve done THIS Ironman”.

4) The Swim Wrestler


Come race day, the swim can be a bit of an ordeal. It’s a washing machine out there and with hundreds of neoprene-clad limbs flailing around, a knock or two is to be expected. But I’m convinced there’s always a few people who have mistaken the swim for a boxing ring and are just out there for a bit of a fight. Is it really necessary to play whack-a-mole with my head?

5) The Transition Hog

Is there a greater joy than surviving the aforementioned swim whack-a-mole, only to get to transition and discover that you can’t get within 10 feet of your bike thanks to someone else’s floordrobe? The Transition Hog holds an exceptional talent for making an extraordinary amount of mess in a very small amount of time. Why are your goggles in my running shoes? And what on earth have you been doing with all this talcum powder?

6) The Over-Embellisher


I mean, maybe they just forgot to mention that the swim got cut or the bike course was 10 miles short as they bragged about those PBs? And “first person with hazel eyes who’s name begins with an X and likes marmite” is a totally legit trophy-winning category, right? Right.

7) The Peanut Butter Bandit


The Peanut Butter Bandit. The most dastardly villain of them all. In they swoop, spoon at the ready to scoff the last of the peanut butter, leaving nothing but the sad empty jar as their despicable calling card. Have they replenished the back up, emergency peanut butter supply before their gluttony? Of course they haven’t. For shame.